The awesome Brenda Drake is hosting a blogfest that promises Glitz! Glamour! Fame! Fortune! Well, at least in writerly prizes anyway. The process is simple, and the payoff is HUGE!
Simply go here and enter the Dark and Stormy Blogfest and follow the simple instructions (really, folks, they're simple) and you're in. Easy peasy, huh?
So, without further ado, here's the opening line to my completed manuscript.
I woke to the coppery smell of blood and an overpowering hunger.
Socially incorrect but I'd vote Team Damon unless he and Stefan are in suits and then I'd change sides in a heartbeat ;)
ReplyDeleteI love you hook - coppery blood is hard to beat
Can you get more active?
The taint of copper, and overpowering hunger I woke...
or more the sense of how it made him/her feel?
a chili pepper in the eye burning/"victorious deliciousness" "craven desperation" etc depending?
Good luck with the hook contest.
Hello fellow blogfest participant!
ReplyDelete"Coppery smell of blood"...nice description. So nice, it actually made me grimace :)
Christi Corbett
I like, makes me want to know why caused the smell and what the character is hungry for. o.O
ReplyDeleteNice and pungent first line.
ReplyDeleteConsider changing the fact that the character is waking. Some feel it's been overdone. It could be an easy switch to something like:
My hunger intensfied as the coppery scent of blood mingled with a scream.
"Coppery smell of blood" is nice. Enticing even. It raises just the right sense of "why" to make me keep reading. It is stronger than the hunger (which gives away he's a vampire, methinks). Perhaps have the hunger grow over the following scene as the sleep and confusion diminishes?
ReplyDeleteGreat line. Vampires instantly came to mind.
ReplyDeleteGood luck and thanks for stopping by my blog!
It does bring to mind vampires. But it evokes an awakening newly made vampire -- which certainly makes me want to read further. How would it feel to awaken a vampire for the first time?
ReplyDeleteNice description. I can almost taste it and YUCK, lol! Thanks for stopping by my blog.
ReplyDelete"I woke to the coppery smell of blood..." WOW. That is powerful. I know the "smell" you speak of! *shiver!*
ReplyDeleteI wonder, though, if the next part about being hungry is too cliche?
I would read more, definitely!
I do feel that this would be a strong opening sentence. However, I have two issues.
ReplyDeleteFirst is the word "coppery" itself. It sounds in and of itself a week word. How did he know the copper smell was blood on first impulse?
The second would be the hunger issue. I THINK you're going for the effect of a vampire. If you are, I would STRONGLY suggest using thirst rather than hunger. The reason being is that they thirst for blood rather than hunger for it. It's a more intense reaction than the first.
I like the word overpowering in your first sentence. It adds so much more to it.
ReplyDeleteGreat line. Thought of Vampires instantly. I do like ibdiamond's suggestion of starting somewhere other than waking up. He's right that some feel it's overdone. Good job!
ReplyDeleteMy first thought was vampires--I was intrigued because it's mentioned the vampire "woke".
ReplyDeleteThat's a haunting first sentence! Already I want to read more.
ReplyDeleteI'm intrigued, but can you make it more active? And a kind of unspoken rule of fiction is never start a story with your MC waking up...it's kind of cliche.
ReplyDeleteBut I'm intrigued by the blood....
Should it be "awoke" instead of "woke"? that's what I kept wanting to say...but otherwise, nice!
ReplyDelete-Lauren
Ooo very sensual! They say to avoid starting a book with a character waking up, but I think you did a good job pulling the focus away from the act of waking up to the question of why he smells blood (and maybe why it makes him hungry?) I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteSo evocative! I don't mind that he's waking because of what he's waking to - you're not describing the average wake-up - and it is an action.
ReplyDelete(I'm Team Peeta as well.)
Thanks for your comment on my blog. Good luck!
Great first line! I'm really intrigued, but like Mara mentioned, starting with your MC waking up is considered a cliche. I don't mind, though--I love this line anyway! Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteI am also thinking vampires with this line. Of course, I love vampire stories, so I would read on.
ReplyDeleteOoh, I like the description of the blood smell. Yes, I'd definitely keep reading.
ReplyDeleteGood job - and good luck! :)
Amy
Ooh, intense!! I'd definitely keep reading! :)
ReplyDeleteGood line. You've set the tone really nicely. Great imagery with the blood and the hunger.
ReplyDeleteHmm, it could be vampire, but at first I thought maybe someone stole his kidney...
ReplyDeleteerica
I only wish we were able to read more than one line, because I am hooked! Like some of the others stated, I don't mind the waking part because that is not the main of the line (in which, the scent & hunger are). If you were to change it, though, I agree with Ibdiamond.
ReplyDeleteI could actually smell that! Gross! Lol. Just wanted to stop by and say thanks for following my blog and entering my contest! :)
ReplyDeleteYay! I like this. Forgive me I came from reading another first line of a vampire.
ReplyDeleteWow, I like it. Concise, intense, active. Definitely want to see the rest . .
ReplyDelete...........dhole
I'm sorry to be a downer, but this honestly struck me as kind of cliched. The waking and the MC clearly being a vampire is pretty overdone. I'm sure you have an awesome story and I bet there's another line lurking in there that would be a better place to start. Just my two cents!
ReplyDeleteI think it's perfect for what you appear to be creating. People keep refering to blood being metalic or coopery. I haven't sucked on a lot of blood or metal to know.
ReplyDeleteI don't know anything about your novel, but this immediately sets it up with as a vampire novel. In that respect, it gives you a good sense of setting.
ReplyDeleteI'm afraid I have to agree with MarcyKate. It doesn't do enough to set itself apart from other genre's. How does the MC feel about the smell, how does it relate to the hunger, is the hunger compelling them to do something? I don't think you have to answre all of these questions, but I do suggest answering one to give us a more distinct look at what makes your MC unique. I'm sure they are.
ReplyDeleteEven though it's obvious it's a vampire related story (although, is it really? hmmm...) it's still interesting enough to grab your attention, although I would try to add something a bit more original for an extra flare to set it apart.
ReplyDeleteGreat first line!
ReplyDeleteDon't know the genre, but my feeling is if this hasn't been done before, it's a terrific first line. Exactly how I would do it.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Great! Automatically know what it's about and what MIGHT just happen
ReplyDeleteI liked it until I read D.R.'s comments... which I have to agree with now. But, I still like it! And I would read on!!
ReplyDeleteI liked it! If this is truly a new vampire, I suggest:
ReplyDelete"I woke to an overpowering hunger, strangely intensified by the coppery smell of blood in the air."
Great first line.
ReplyDeletebethfred.com
Awesome! I love it! :-)
ReplyDelete